By reading the book A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle which I recommend to all inner wisdom seeking people, I have been learning so many new things. Actually, I feel like I have been slapped around a bit. I realize how low I am in sensiblity and ungiving as a person. I always withdraw my feelings in order to protect my ego, my ME.  I realize how many times I have been inconsiderate. I hope to fix that and give the people around me more positive energy then before. It is almost embarrassing. But I have not given up. I will find my equilibrium, I will be a better person then I was!

With love and peace I will sa a prayer inspite my frustrated emotions of the day:

Dear God, thank you for how the world is finally changing

Thank you for letting me take part of that change

Thank you for letting me feel like a part of that change

Thank you for all my prosperity and for hanging on to me even though I am sometimes lost

I beg you to stay with me and help me through these emotions of sadness I am feeling, help me feel peace

Please help my little boys tummies to get better and my bad cough to go away I would really appreciate a good nights sleep

In love and peace

XXX

Fell off the wagon

On my way to more spiritual growth and health I most certainly have had my downfalls lately.  I have been so busy with negative thoughts that I haven´t felt the desire to post. Being at home with two kids in a new country and no friends or family is so hard. My husband is away minimum 11 hours a day. But I have also been dealing with another weird thing. That is what I believe to have been a GHOST. It started with weird sounds. Waking up at night. Feeling pinched and whispered at. Electronic equipment turning on suddenly infront if me. But never anything so sure until I woke up one night hearing that someone was pushing the buttons of the computers keyboard. It went so far I was avoiding my home in the middle of the day trying to hang out at other peoples homes. I had my doubts and I still do. But my father told me that I had to sit down and talk gently towards it and kindly ask it to leave. And I did. I also made a crusefix on the doors and said a prayer. I think it worked, although I still am waking up at nights for no apparent reasons. I think that I am just over-tired, over-stimulated, under-sexed and homesick. My yoga instructor says it has something to do with my energy channels that after pregnancy they become imbalanced and I intend to stick with that. The channels around the womb and stomach have less muscles around them so they have less strength so the heart channel becomes overactive. After I gave birth to my son almost 11 months ago I have been taking in other peoples feelings so deeply. Something I have never experienced before. She says that it is very normal and I just have to be good at breathing and doing exercise.

Angels

I found this on the internet about angels and it matches the description of the angels I had earlier.

Angels By Doreen Virtue.

It´s the thought that counts!

I have been wondering if saying “thank you” is correct? YOU is an ego…or is it a self? If I say “thank YOU”, am  I preferring to one person? ..But as I wrote earlier, words don´t have meaning with the higher beings …or the cosmos or the electrons or whatever people like to call it, it is the thought that counts so:

I am thankful for giving me the wonderful life that I am living.

I am thankful for how wonderful my new neighbor is and helpful.

I am thankful for my friends and for that I have realized (finally) that I can choose friends and don´t have to “tolerate” everyone.

I am thankful for being with us in this process in moving between countries with two young children I feel like I am adding treasures to my life.

I am thankful for how much I have learned in the few yoga classes I  have had and how much fun it is.

I am thankful for discovering something new everyday in my life, about people, the nature and everything!

In kindly I pray to GOD that he will help in my new way of eating healthy, it is not always going well…but at least not getting worse. Stay with me everyday and help calm my mind in the evenings so I can sleep. Clear my mind before sleeping so that my dreams become much easier, or non at all. Show me a book or a new way I can work on this. Please let the horrible cockroaches go way from my building (yea there appear to be cockroaches in my nice Swedish apartment) And if you find new friends for me here in this new country, send them to me immediately because I am longing for good company. Help me on my way from control-freaks ( I know you did this morning, thank you so much) and help them find someone else to stalk. Help my mother find peace in her heart and love for herself. Bless all my friends and family, my husband and two little boys. Amen, namaste, insha´Allah!

Control Freaks

There is an issue I have been dealing with since childhood. That is “How to deal with control freaks“. They seem to haunt me. It brings out the evil me.

When I was a girl, my sister-in-law, who is the biggest and most aggressive control freak I have ever known, and probably will know, lived with my brother in the same street as us. They still do, except I have moved away from my parents. This woman came in to my brother’s life and to my perception, enslaved him!

My brother has always been a determined person.  But when it comes to that tornado of his, everybody grabs the next softest thing when she approaches in order to have something to squeeze. She is poisonous, manipulative, evil and a perfectionist. Her home looks like an old womans house on the inside because she likes to collect antiques….and duck-statues. But it is CLEAN. The smell of perfume and laundry detergent fills the house as she quickly passes through it, fixing everything she can each moment she breathes, every day of her life. They have two boys who are BOYS and the like to play around but the sad part is that their bedrooms are always perfect. Never anything on the floor, bookshelves tightly organized and each piece of puzzle at its right place. I would admire her for that if I didn´t now how sick you have to be in order to maintain your home like that.

She constantly humiliated me when I was a child. Mostly when no one was watching. When I told my parents they only tried to change the discussion leaving me miserable. They were so afraid of her that they couldn´t take action…Something I would never let my innocent child go through. But I have mostly gone past that. I recently told my parents about how angry I have always been at them for not taking action and making me feel they were on her side and I was the guilty one. I try to avoid her as I can today but something inside of me is always trying to like her, I don´t know what it is. The sad thing is that I get more and more distant from my brother.

As time goes by I go through this so many times when people try to control me. It´s like I don´t have any self-respect. What I have found out though is that people like that have serious, deep issues. It´s like they don´t see reality. They create their own world and get stuck in it. I have sometimes felt as it was my responsibility to understand their problems and help them but now I am coming to an understanding THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO BUT RUN!

After we moved to Sweden I thought I´d get rid of the control freaks in my life but a new control freak came knocking on my door the first week. And me being “the new girl” thankfully accepted her help in order to get settled and had no idea that person could be so crazy.  She is constantly inviting me to her house to eat or to go somewhere TOGETHER, she even asked me to stay with her and her family for christmas …and I just met her. It does not mean she is super-nice OK? It means she has no friends because noone can stand her because she is a CONTROL FREAK. She wants to know everything I eat, how I dress my kids, what diapers I use…she even weighed my son when he was at her house playing and I wasn´t there!

Now I am changing my life. And one step I will take is to get rid off control freaks and just push their heavy asses of my shoulders.

To my experience these are symptons of a female control freak*:

-Overweight, overeater or hasardly dieting all the time and too thin.

-They have a difficult relationship with their spouse. When they loose control of it they  become victims which makes their partner feel their extreme vulnerability so they can´t leave them…poor things!

-They appear highly intelligent and seem to know-it-all.

-They become extremely upbeat in parties and like being the center of attention. If they are not, everyone in the party are asses.

-They have never tried smoking and don´t do drugs (80% of the ones I know) If they do, they do it with extreme percursions.

-They can not maintain control on their kids upbringing. The “ups and downs” are so extreme that the child has learned to ignore them.

-They have a problem with looking you in the eyes without an exagerated determination. They don´t want you to see how fucked up they really are.

-When you start becoming friends with them you feel an abnormal interest from them that tickles your self asteem and makes you answer the phone.

-On the outside, they look fine. They don´t all look the same, some look amazing but feel horrible and some look horrible beacause they lost control of their weight, so they get depressed.

-When they talk, they look around to make sure everyone is listening.

-They get under your skin like cancer.

Have a nice day, I hope you have spotted a control freak in your life or in your-self…or lets not!

*I have no experience in phsycologi so these are just MY personal opinions about control-freakism.

Jesus is your Guru (?)

I read on the internet that Jesus is your guru before you find your own.

Isn´t that weird?


For me, as a Northern European, it sounded that way at first! But not only christianity recognizes him. He has appeared to all kinds of people all over the world. I remember a statue of him where the children come running towards him as he  celebrates them. I started wondering if that was exactly it. Does he assist everyone who still hasn´t gotten that far to understand or feel this immense spiritual need to have a guru? I´m not ready for a guru although I believe it will mean an immense spiritual step for me. Until then i will know he is with me. He is not in a statue, he is not in a church, he is not in a monestary. He is everwhere, that´s how powerful he is. Who said his stories should be written as a part of the bible? Who wrote the bible?  The message of Jesus was mostly about being kind, helpful  and not judgemental. How are the “true christians”? -Full of judgement, “People that don´t believe, go to hell, gay people go to hell” It´s so stupid. I always think “What about people that never got to know the Bible, are they forever doomed. Are all hindus doomed for eternity in hell?” It sounds like the most stupid thing I have ever heard in my life. I believe  in  Jesus …but as far as christianity goes, I think he is a guest-star in the bible 😉


The Nature of Things

I was walking with my younger son in the stroller yesterday passing all the beautiful trees and bushes that grow so easily in Swedish home gardens.  I passed snowberry-bushes. Some of the berries are big, round and beautiful, some are smaller and even not completely white. I thought, “is that destiny? Are some of us meant to be smaller and less talented than others and are some meant to stand out and shine?” What if the berries had a consciousness? What would the bigger berries tell the smaller berries if they wanted advice on how to grow like them and look like them, what would they answer? I thought about the nature of berries and the only thing it would probably come up with is “Stay as close to the sun as possible, stay away from the shadows”.  And I think that is so true about our own lives. As long as we “stay in the sun” and try to live a life in light instead of darkness the sun will shine on us and we will thrive much better.

Make it a better place…

I am pausing a little in my stories. I just want to say I have learned lately how important it is that we see each other as a unity instead of all individuals with no connection with our surroundings.

If we continue to live that way, the world will continue to get worse. Here is one simple and easy practise:  I assume that if you drop garbage on the street by accident, you pick it up. Now, try if you see garbage, pick it up and throw it in the nearest trash. Specially if your child is with you it makes you a good role model.

The message is that you leave a place in a better state then it was before you came there. Try it. It is an unselfish act and it will make you feel better.

Thankfulness

Today I am going in to my mind feeling what I am most thankful for:

Thank you for that everything we asked for before moving abroad has come true

Thank for that rare opportunity of being one of the few  entering the university. I am still trying to believe that I am worthy so help me with that.

Thank you for  showing me that I can run, do yoga and everything I truly want to do

Thank you for the extra energy I am getting in order to block out negative people in my life

Thank you for the beautiful coffee machine my friends from Italy sent me, it gives me love everyday.

Thank you for the pleasent memory I had this morning about my father. It feels good to remember the good things of the past.

Being “married”

I met my husband at 24 (7 years ago). From that time my life started taking a direction and really, really positive and wonderful things started happening to me. It was not as it sounds that I “found happyness in marriage” but my husband is amazingly mature and has shown me so many things that have been stepping stones in my life.  I have in many ways considered him as my teacher; It doesnt mean that our life is perfect, god forbid, the man couldn´t boil water or hang up his clothes from the washing machine! But he has this incredible inner spirit that has a constant calm and understanding of life and the people around him. That makes him extremely confident and successful in his career. He hasn´t always been like that. At least not on the outside. When I met him he was this x-party-guy that had lost his drivers license three times and had to do community service, plus not having a drivers license. It was his deepest point of humiliation. He finally saw the pattern he was stuck in and how it affected his life and family. It was so hard for him to tell me these things that at first I thought he was going to tell me he had this horrible desease or a secret child somewhere. But to me it wasn´t a big deal. I just knew that this was the reason of his new way of living life. He had, through it all, been doing good at the university, there was his passion; computers.  I wanted to join him. After our first kiss, I knew there was no turning back. I had known him for years as the non-serious party-guy, but he had totally changed. We have definetly had our doubts and arguments, mostly me in the beginning, I have to say. We are living our lives  happily, sharing our two beautilful boys and trying to have as much fun out of life as possible at the same time.

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